The Bum Blog

Homeless Hoops / Supermodel

2005-02-25T13:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, Angry Yeller STILL had that basketball out there. For some reason this really truly bothers me. Like a small cactus needle under my skin it's bothering the holy hell out of me. He obviously stole that thing. Bums use their money...the money you people give him, not me, no way...on crack and smack and reefer and booze. No way does he save up 3 smacks worth of money for a Nike Basketball (I don't really know the current market value of low-grade street smack or really how much a Nike Basketball costs but I'm estimating here, so cut me some slack and let's call it poetic license.) That's NOT happening. I refuse to believe it. So he's a thief and a bastard. He probably makes enough money for smack in the morning then walks, nay, limps over to the school a few blocks away to get some shots in before the lunch rush when he'll sashay back to the corner for some more good ol panhandling. This jackass has been there for at LEAST 4 years now. Don't people realize that he's not looking for a job. I'm sorry but you're not going to find employment lolling around a street corner all day. Maybe he's actually a basketball shark and the limp is like Verbal Kent and when he gets on the court after a small pittance has been bet he busts out the Kaiser Soze on their ass and whips em good. Might be like a second job for him. If so then you really have to admire his dedication to really amounting to nothing and being a failure.

As an aside, I've been noticing a lot of bums lately but also a lot of cops as well. I guess going where all the actual crime is being committed isn't really as lucrative as busting speeders up north where people have jobs. Cops and bums have the same MO in that sense. Strange really. They are like those little sucky fishes that hang out on the underside of sharks or other larger, more productive fishes. No, actually that's not true. Those little fishies are not parasites. They actually eat algae and help out a bit. Bums? Nope, parasites, ever' one. The cops need to go bust gun toting crackhead robbers and stuff. Seriously, drive up in north Austin and count up the number of cops you see. Five-O, Ten-O, 15-O and so on and you will be amazed. Then drive over to seedier parts of town. You'd be lucky to see a single cop even if you had a giant spotlight and were firing cannons down Cesar Chavez or Pleasant Valley. Why is that? Because people up here have jobs and can afford to pay the fines instead of just overpopulating the jails. Of course this is a horrible generalization but hey, that's what I do here. So we get hit on and harrassed by ALL the cops and ALL the bums. It's like we get all the attention. I've never felt so much like a hot Swedish supermodel in my life.

Damn bums. Damn coppers. Damn hot Swedish supermodels.

Angry Yeller is a Preppie

2005-02-24T07:53:00.000-08:00

Angry Yeller is a preppie. Ok not really, he is still a stinky dirty bum but he did shave his beard. And now today he cut his hippie mop and looks like a dorky short hair stinking dirty bum. His sign purports that he's "trying to find a job." I don't think so. I think he figured and this is making the basic assumption that he hasn't completely fried his brains on crystal meth and speedballs, so I might be WAY over the line here, but I think this dumbass cut all his hair b/c he thought it was starting to get hot for the summer and he was in the free and clear. Well, HA HA HA you dirty bastard!!! It rained last night and it's in the 40's.

Here's another bum haiku for you Yeller:
You cut off your hair
thinking it would get warmer
HA! It's 40, dick.

If I were a bum my sign would read: Need money for resume paper and printer toner. Bums lack plans of action. "Trying to find a job" is just too unspecific and blase. I guess that's my message to all the homeless out there, be specifi... Ok that's not really my message to the homeless nor do I really have a message for the homeless other than bathe and go away.

Yesterday I saw I guy with a sign that said: "Help" Wife needs meds for heart and cancer. Well holy crap, thanks bum. I'm going to lunch and now I'm bummed out. Aside: I wonder if that's where the term bummed out came from? Anyway, so I'm jovial right? I'm going to lunch. And now, BAM, there's a bum with a depressing ass sign. Of course he's a bum so I know he's a liar and he's probably a drunken needle between the toes douchebag so no woman in her right mind would sleep with him (except for crack) but especially no one would marry this guy. Who's he fooling with this sign?

Now I don't want to seem like a heartless bastard here (Ok, I am one, but I don't want to seem like one to all you nice people) so I would like to wish the bum and his wife a speedy recovery and I hope he funds her meds and she pulls through ok. I hope Angry Yeller gets on his feet and gets that job he's OH, so trying to find.

Oh wait, I forgot to mention: Angry Yeller had a basketball by his plastic bags of crap and filth today. Here are my problems with that. First off, if he just got this today...I mean if someone drove by and said to themselves "Hey, look, it's a bum. Man, I wish I had some money or some food to give. Nope. All out. But I do have this old Nike Basketball. I'll just give him that," then they are just plain out stupid. Plain out STUPID. Have you no eyes?? Haven't you noticed this bastard's limp?? He hobbles back and forth like the goddang mummy. There's no way that this freakshow could play basketball. He would dribble, step, dribble, minesweeper, dribble, step, dribble, minesweeper. That's how it would work with him swinging his leg out all funny looking. Great now I'm poking fun at cripples too. I am so going to Hades.

Ok, now if he already had the ball, what the sam hell is he doing with it? That's just bad marketing you moron. If you have a sign purporting you are LOOKING for a damn job then what in the HELL are you doing playing basketball??? Please someone, anyone, find logic in this for me. I'm at a loss for words here.

More Bum Poetry

2005-02-17T07:14:00.000-08:00

I saw the same sign. It looked like Angry Yeller had a blue ball point pen, maybe one of them crappy one piece bics. I can only assume he was writing "poems" on scraps of cardboard. And to go off on a tangent but I HATE blue pens. I hate them with a passion. I refuse to sign anything with a blue pen. I don't know why I hate them like I do but I do. And I love the color blue. So strange. Anyway so this dirty bastard did have a sign that only said Homeless Poetry. And since I only stare at him when I know he's not looking at me...he has creepy eyes...I couldn't really get a good look at what he was doing.

I too would like to post some poems that I think he would write. Feel free to comment with poems of your own.

Angry Yeller's Haikus:

Crazier than shit
eat cardboard and poop myself
and I can't count to five or seven

I had a beard beard
I shaved that mother off off
head echoes empty

dropped as a child, I
can't spell good on cardboard signs
grammar sucks bad too

Limmerick:
There once was a bum with a beard
He shaved it now he looks queer
he's down on his luck
but if you give him a buck
he'll blow it on crack rocks and beer.

Homeless Poetry

2005-02-15T14:35:00.000-08:00

I thought I might make a rare appearence here today on the Bum Blog.

This morning the (newly shaven) Angry Yeller had a new sign: "Homeless Poetry." I think that if you gave him money he'd write you a poem or something, but I generally ignore the filthy bum, so I wasn't going to find out the specifics.

ANyway, I was thinking of some good poems about him.

The Valentine's Day Poem:

Roses are Red,
Angry Yeller's hair is shaggy
He'd probably suck your dong,
for some weed in a baggy

The Limerick:

There once was a bum out on Steck
Who was really a disheveled wreck
He had no real job
ANd he lives like a slob
But panhandling's a pretty good paycheck.

The Haiku:

Dirty, smelly bum
Stands on corners; begs for change
He'd rather have beer

I'd do the Sonnet or an Ode, but that's a lot of work, especially for someone I pretend to ignore each morning on the way to work.

Shorn? + New Bum

2005-01-27T12:13:00.000-08:00

Ok, there have been rumors of Angry Yeller having shaved off his big ass grizzly beard. Seriously, he reads this blog and is pissed off that I said it makes him look like a gay lumberjack. This guy is crazy and may try to attack me. If he didn't have that limp and if he weren't really fat and slow looking and if he weren't a bum and probably all smacked out, I might be worried. But I'm not. Anyway, if this guy that looks like Angry Yeller without a beard is in fact Angry Yeller then I might go with a new name for him until he grows his beard back. Maybe Angry Fat Face would be a good name in the interim. Maybe WiFi Bastard. I don't know. I might go drink some Boone's and Steel Reserve to see what sounds good when I'm good and bum drunk.

There was also another bum in his 20s over there the other day. This guy kind of looked like Angry Fat Face but he had this crazy ass looking Cheshire grin. I'm not going to name him yet until he proves himself on the streets. One thing you really want to avoid doing as a bum blogger is to prematurely name bums. First off you don't want to name someone something that isn't fitting. That wouldn't be professional. And you don't know what's fitting right off. You see we build to that. Bum bloggers have high standards to uphold...it's true. Next, you don't want to waste a good name on someone that may never come back. Though naming any bum is a gamble, kind of like naming hamsters (like Natalie Portman's hamsters on Garden State, bums live dangerous lives and aren't properly cared for.) They could die and go to the big dumpster in the sky or get adopted by a group of migrant workers plowing fields in Kansas. You never know. They could smack out and drown in a toilet for all I know. Point is to not waste good names on unproven bums.

That said, I think this guy might have staying power. He's young and if he's a buddy with the Bum Formerly Known As Angry Yeller then you know he's a winner. And when I say winner, I don't really mean winner, I mean more like a winner bum, which is still a real loser. But I'll keep a look out for this guy.

The Problem with Bums

2005-01-20T13:56:00.000-08:00

The problem with doing this bum blog is this; Bums are lazy. Most of the time they get a few Benjamins and then smack out for a few days under some bridge or overpass and then I have nothing to write about unless I go out scouting for bums. And I guess I too am lazy and I don't want to go on bum missions to find bums. Though that would make a great mission on the next Grand Theft Auto, where you go out and eliminate bums. The more bums you snipe the more points you get. No one wants to do those stupid driving around on a racetrack challenges. Seriously, someone read this stuff and hire me. I have to be a genius or something. I'll work for cheap.

Anyway, so these bums aren't always around and so I have nothing really to post about. So I'm going to wing it today and see what sticks. I swear Angry Yeller has high speed net access though b/c every time I post about him he disappears for a while and that's how he knew about the UT win the other night. Damn I hate that bastard. I bet he has it all hooked up with WiFi too.

Since Angry Yeller has been out of the office I've noticed that the city decided to come in and mow. It really is amazing how much litter a bum corner can accumulate. Seriously there are PILES of filth and refuse strewn about like my old roommates bedroom. It's ridiculous really. And people just keep giving this guy food and stuff to throw away.

One of my friends is getting married in a few months so they made a list of nice items for gifts. I thought it would be a good idea to make a list like this but for bums. So here is the list of things that are appropriate and not appropriate to give the bums in your life:

APPROPRIATE ITEMS
Crack (duh!)
Smack (duh!)
Reefer (duh!)
Ziplock bags (Great for storing any excess crack or smack or reefer)
Food (Nothing that would be a choking hazard. Treat your bum like any 1 year old. Most of the time they are smacked out though so anything you can eat with a spoon.)
Spoons (Knifes and Forks are too sharp and when they are done they have something to fix their smack in. Truly the best gift due to its multilateral utility.)
Funny looking shirts (Seeing Angry Yeller in a pink Barbie babydoll shirt would kill! )
Dental Products (Though toofless bums are good for a laugh bums don't go to the dentist and need all the help they can get. We don't want Yuckmouth on the corner.)
Cardboard (8.5x11 and larger squares only)
Markers (Colors please. Bring some sunshine into a bum's life today!)

NON APPROPRIATE ITEMS
Guns (obviously)
Pointy Things (Knives or anything they could use to stab or poke people)
Plasma TVs (Actually no TVs at all but especially nothing better than my TV)
Paper (Paper = Trash, it's that simple.)
Ropes (Bums get sad. They hang out under trees and bridges. You do the math.)
Paper Bags (Paper bags = paper = trash. Also not good for keeping crack dry.)

These are just a few of the many things you can give bums. Of course this isn't a finite list. I'm sure you have a good number of suggestions as well. See the comment section below? Well, what are you waiting for?

Angry Yeller Strikes Back

2005-01-18T06:45:00.000-08:00

Angry Yeller has been back for a while. He's looking pretty dirty and mangy. But then again he's always looked dirty and mangy. Well that's not really true, when he first started coming to Steck and Mopac I think he was just crazy but not dirty so much. Now his hair, which is some sort of brownish red hue, bred if you will, is spikey and big. It's not spikey like it's been moussed or anything but more like he hasn't washed it in about a month, which is most likely true. And he has this beard thing that makes him look like a gay lumberjack. And he's fat. But not fat like Michael Moore fat but he's shaped like a bowling pin, kinda. I think if you pushed him over he'd pop back up like one of those blow-up punchy toys you got when you were a kid. Anyway so he's been back for a while.

So the reason I brought it up was this:

I'm sitting at the light this morning, about to turn onto Steck, when I see Angry Yeller from afar. He has one arm in the air, way above his head. I immediately perk up a bit because I'm thinking he's about to do something all cracked out and he'll flip out like a ninja or something. Unfortunately he didn't flip out like a ninja and by the time I got up there his arm was down. It was sad. In hindsight I think he was doing the heavy metal/hook 'em Horns thing. But he could have been trying to touch the clouds or trying to pet his imaginary pet wooly mammoth for all I know.

Anyway, UT played OU last night in basketball and had nice upset victory. Apparently Angry Yeller either has season tickets to the games or watched it on his 60" plasma monitor. I say this because on the way to work the bastard was out there with a sign that read thusly:

Longhorns Win
Will Work
4 B-Ball

How in the name of all that is holy does this cracked out bum know that UT won? Seriously, anyone? I didn't even know and I have high speed internet access at home and cable. Of course I didn't really look but still. I know they put orange lights on the tower but I honestly don't think that seeing orange lights in the sky is out of ordinary for this guy. Or any color lights for that matter. I want answers.

Anyway I decided that I want to go into a lucrative business venture with bums. I think I will look up sports scores and other news items and then relay this info to bums in the mornings via walkie talkie. Then they will write this info on signs like a public service message. Then people will tip them money and I will get a cut and just give the bums enough for some smack and hashish. This is kind of like the guys in Houston selling newspapers but the info would be much more up to date. I think I'm onto something here. Really, I do.

Homeless' Signs Compendium

2005-01-05T09:34:00.000-08:00

Where do bums get the ideas for their signs? If you are homeless and all cracked out or luded up or whatnot shouldn't you be passed out under a bridge or something...maybe in a burrow(someplace warm?) So where do bums get the ideas from? Do they have vivid dreams when on crystal meth and when they wake up from their stupor they write down "Need a Beer!?" Maybe while they are being anal probed by space aliens their signs are being made for them.

There's just no excuse for these bums to be creative.

Look at this guy:

Seriously, that's WAY too funny and creative for a homeless. BTW I'm going to start calling them homeless because I just finished watching a Tivo'ed season of The Wire and the cops kept saying stuff like "You're good police," or "I don't know if I was meant to be police" when talking about singular people. So I'm going to start driving by and saying "Hey look at that homeless." This does something for me. I don't know what but it does. But in groups they will still be bums.

Anyway, if this guy can come up with a sign like this then he should be working at an ad agency or something. Hell, I'd hire him. Of course Ninjas are Japanese and Kung Fu is a Chinese martial art but this guy's a bum, I don't expect him to be as smart as me...or as nitpicky. I'd have gone with Karate though to be more precise.

I want to make a compendium of homless' signs and put them on the internet so bums can go to the library, log into the internet and peruse sign slogans for their own personal use. I'm not really interested in slopping food at a shelter or nothing but I want to do what I can to help the bums out there to be more intertaining to me and to others. It's kind of like poodles. I'm not interested in shaving them all funny myself but when other people do their poodles all frenchy and gussied up, well that's just tops in my book.

If you see any good signs please comment and let me know. I'll rush to get this thing online and available to the sign making homeless public stat! I'm trying to do something good here and I'd appreciate the help!

Steel Reserve 211

2004-12-16T07:18:00.000-08:00

Besides crack and smack there's nothing a bum likes more than a nice tall boy malt liquor. The other day I was offered a Hot Steel Reserve and being a beer fan as well, I said sure I would take a Hot Steel Reserve. Only it wasn't a Hot Steel Reserve it was a HOT Steel Reserve. It'd been in a car for a few hours or something. But I was feeling macho and manly so I went ahead and cracked it open the 16oz tallboy and to my surprise it wasn't horrid...so I drank it. Whoa, does that say 8.1% alcohol? YES, it does. It DOES say 8.1%. Wow, that's great.

So I finish and the guy asks, "hey do you want another?" SURE I say, this stuff is GREAT! I finish that one and then head to a corner store. This stuff is like liquid crack. I look inside the icy beer bin and there she is: the ever elusive Cold Steel Reserve. Holy hell, this is a 24 ouncer and wait a sec...it's only $.93. That can't be right...can it? YES, it's right. Not only are these things like napalm in a can but they are affordable for the thrifty beer drinker. And they pack a wallup.

So when I got home I decided to do some research and I came upon a few sites that had ratings. Amazingly about 85-95% of the people who wrote about SR211 hated it. But those 5-15% of the people...well, these are the people who understand there's nothing wrong with sniffing airplane glue...I mean, there's nothing wrong with a tall boy now and then. Then I came upon the review that I knew was the perfect review. And I will now post it for your perusal:

"I was feeling like crap the other night, due to my GF... anywayi bought 4 - 24oz. cans of steel reserve 211, saw the 8.1+ and saw"high gravity" and thought what the hell. went home and drank 2 of thecans in about 10min. (not recommended) and me being young and only120lbs. on an empty stomach felt the effects almost instantly, so itook my time with the other 2 cans. when i was finished i felt GREAT!i mean i loved it. but as time went on i knew something was wrong, andi was with friends so they knew too. i went to the bath room knowing iwant gonna be able to hold it in. and i puked alot. and fell asleep,when i woke up i felt like shit and my kidneys hurt. i knew i hadpoisoned myself... but here i am and this is what i think about it:the taste wasnt that bad, i mean ive had better but not for $1.08, thesmell wasnt bad and there was a not so good after taste but nothorrible. for me i will definatly drink SR 211 again."

Man that's great. I think he was 2 cans into it again when he wrote that due to the spelling. Personally I don't think a 120 pounder could take 4 of those bastards but I think this sums up they wonderfullness of these beers. So if you are feeling in the xmas mood and you really want to start a bum's new year right, grab a Steel Reserve 211 24oz beer and a few Advil and put it in a ziplock and give it to a bum on the street...or do like me and say screw that good for nothin bum and down a couple yourself and enjoy!!!

"homeless people are drunk druggedout moochers?"

2004-12-10T07:37:00.000-08:00

I was recently sent a link to a poll conducted by News 8 Austin asking pollees how they interact with "homeless." I found the poll to be extremely sophomoric in design but there are some great comments below. For example, there are only 3 options to choose from: Ignore Them, Give them money and Other. 81% of people ignore them and 8% give them money.

I didn't learn very many practical things in my 8.5 years in college but I did pick up a couple interesting tidbits here and there. One of the important aspects when conducting polls to ensure the validity of the data is a proper polling location. Using the internet to garner info is preposterous. Most of the people with computer access looking up information on a News site are probably not a bunch of tree hugging hippies, who are more likely to be hitting a bong protecting the Barton Springs Geckos with tie-dyed Keep Austin Weird t-shirts or playing hacky sack in the Green Belt wearing birkenstock and dreadlocks. But I digress I guess.

Basically there are a nice range of comments and I suggest taking the time to peruse them. Here are a few lines I would like to respond to:

"Usually, I keep a few plastic bags in the back of my car, that hold: a jar of peanut butter, a small box of crackers, a little money, and a juice box." -Great idea. Not only do they get a nice snack to feed to the birds but they also have a nice watertight bag to store their crack in. Good job Carly!

"You people think all homeless people are drunk druggedout moochers?" -ummm, Yes! As a matter of fact I think I will change the title of this entry to that instead of the bland News 8 Austin Poll I was going with before. Thank you 'Soon-to-be-Homeless Native Austinite.'

'What about MY rights?' suggests "We should help the truly needy and get rid of the dangerous ones. " Thanks for your insight and your concise answer to "How do you interact with the homeless that hang out on street corners?" You are a laureate good sir.

Someone who chose to not reveal their name or alias said "We had to go east on 6th I am so sure I saw a man with his pants pull down sitting on one cheek . I drive up to a corner I raise my window and make sure my car is lock and I ignore them. It is rare when see someone and i want to give them money but the light has change , I think on the way back I will give him some money . But I never see that person again. They stay on my mind the rest of the day sometime the next day." -I have no idea what this person was talking about but great grammar should be applauded.

"The homeless exist because we don't want to step on the delicate toes of the mentally ill and substance abusers to institutionalize them against their will, so they can receive the help they need. And virtually all of the homeless are mentally ill, substance abusers, or both." -Hell no I don't want to step on the toes of the mentally ill. Those dudes are friggin CRAZY, man. They might bite me or scratch me with feral claws. Or slobber on me. Ewww.

"Someone brought something up to me earlier- the panhandlers at stoplights- if they get one dollar from one person every time the light is red, they must be making about $20 an hour at least, right? That's if the light cycles 20 times in an hour. I think I am in the wrong line of employment." - Yes. You should definitely quit your job to be a Math Whiz!

Andrea informs "Drunk, rude scary insane (not peaceful insane) get told "I don't havemoney for you today" - So if any of you out there decide to go insane, make sure it's a "peaceful insane" and not a "Drunk, rude scary insane" or you won't get jack from Andrea.

'Be honest you are predjudiced' states, "Standing on a busy street corner soliciting people doesn't seem very fun to me. I get paid to surf the web, which is called work." - Sweet, you guys hiring?

"They look poor, but their Mercedes is in the parking lot across the street!" says 'look at their shoes.'

"Watch out for the homeless jerk on Riverside he gets mad if you ignore him...his sign reads ".34 cents short of a taco". He yells at the idiots who give him money for not giving him enough!!" - I've seen this guy. He kicks ass. You have to like his spirit and joie de vivre!

"Get off your (*&^% and start working on yourself" -Seriously, though please do get off your open parenthesis, asterix, ampersand, caret and percentage sign. You don't need to be panhandling. Empowerment is the key.

'god's imaginary-Mithra was the one true god til 326 C.E' says, "As a liberal I took the initiative to learn about them. Unfortunately I learned many street people were mooching. I do not give money..." - So now you are a conservative. Congrats!

"If they're undercover cops, I smile and say, "Hi." Otherwise, I say to myself, "There but for the Grace of God go I" and try not to let it ruin my evening. I sometimes give some change, imagining that I'm purchasing a balloon and letting it float away," says Midas Misanthrope. - That makes no sense at all. Why in the hell would you purchase a balloon and let it go? That's littering. Sometimes I just don't get people.

Marcus Robinson proclaims "I've spoken to transients before: drugs & booze, no responsibility: those are their motivating factors for many as they state. Abusing animals, urinating in Town Lake, Burnet Road, defecating on the hike & bike trail, it's time to get serious about this." - Giving money to bums is one thing but what you're suggesting is just downright disgusting. Why on Earth do you want to get serious about pooping in public??

These are just a few of my favorites but there're plenty of other great responses. Good stuff. Thanks Bryan for sending this along.

HEB Tonight, Please!, 2 Boys, Hungry

2004-12-03T11:02:00.000-08:00

I have been thoroughly disappointed in the bums around here lately. At first I thought Bike Bum was somewhat special. That's why I named him Bike Bum. Turns out though that most of these lazy bastards have bikes. Over the last few weeks there's this new guy on the corner of Mopac (Northbound) and Duval. I'm pretty sure this guy has a prosthetic leg which is very sad. He has been sporting the same sign the last few times I pass him, which also is very sad and speaks poorly about his creativity. It says:

HEB Tonight
Please!
2 Boys
Hungry

It's like one of those fridge magnet word sentence maker game things that someone put up but ran out of vowels and the dog or kid chewed up any word that would allow for a sensical thought. Now I'm not saying the guy has to be sapient, I'm just asking for the common courtesy of cohesive wording. And he wrote it down like he was a retarded and illiterate ee cummings, yet making as much sense as William Carlos Williams. My favorite by WCW is this one for some reason: The Red Wheelbarrow.

Sorry I got off track there. So this guy has a fake leg and it doesn't look like a peg or anything...hell it doesn't' even look like it's made out of wood. And because you are sitting at this light, waiting, waiting, waiting for it to turn red, you have nothing better to do than wonder how the hell this guy can afford a nice, well-crafted fake leg. If I'm homeless and hungry, I'm not going to have a $3k leg. I'm pawning that thing and going to Taco Cabana then heading over to the shelter to share some of the free salsa and cilantro with my fellow bums...because I'm giving and I like to share.

I'm perplexed and befuddled. Dude's got a fake leg AND he has read and can mimic the styles of late 1800 early 1900 poets. Then the light turns green. So I turn the corner and what do I see...yup, a bright ass shiny new bike. Whoa, wait a second. Hold the phone. What in the HELL?!? There are some very fundamental problems with this. First off this is a pretty nice bike...I'm thinking at least 1 hundy but maybe up to 3...and it's shiny and red. AND it's locked to a post using one of those super bike locks with a combination. This guy is broke off his ass (purportedly) and is dyslexic yet he has enough duckets to buy both a fake leg AND a bike. And there's a combination to the lock. If this guy can remember a combination then he can get a job. I have buddies who have jobs and couldn't remember a 2 digit combination if it were tatooed onto the back of their hand.

+++++

Earlier today I was coming back from lunch and driving along 183 on the Southbound (Really Eastbound) feeder. There were 6 bums out, 4 at Braker. I guess they are all in the Thanksgiving spirit. Thanks for giving me your money. There was a reappearance of the Grinch Bitch. Seriously, I don't know what she did or who she pissed off to make someone take a shovel to her face but DAMN. So be careful when shopping for presents in that area. If you are unsure, avert your eyes. It's the safe bet.

Mean Toward Bums

2004-11-10T08:19:00.000-08:00

I've been very slackish lately in my bum posting. This is due to a number of things such as; there has been a bum drought, I'm lazy, only talking about bums gets boring because there are so many other idiots out there who deserve to be teased but don't fall under the strict definition of bum and I'm lazy...damn, I said that twice. Anyway, when I logged into my computer here today (30 minutes late,) one of the top stories on Yahoo! News simply appalled me.
No, not appalled, but more along the lines of pissed off/annoyed...kind of like after a rough softball loss when I know I've played well (obviously) but someone...let's say Drew, went O for 4 batting and made an error behind the plate. Not that ANYTHING like that ever happens. But I digress: here is the article. In case you don't like clicking things, here is the gist: Little Rock hates bums the most and is the meanest city in America towards bums. "Following Little Rock on this year's list of meanest cities were Atlanta, Cincinnati, Las Vegas, Gainesville, Fla., New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Honolulu" and finally, "Austin, Texas. "

We only got 10th place?? What kind of jacked up shite is that? Wait a second, I thought these pantywaisted treehuggers here liked the bums. Now I'm confused and annoyed. We were the only blue square in the red sea of Texas this election. This is just odd. I see jackasses feeding and giving money to the bums all the time. What do you have to do to get on the nice to bums city list, give out giftcards or fruitbaskets? There are bums everywhere in this town.

But if we are going to be mean enough to make the list then lets not do this thing half-ass, let's get first place. It's like having Mack Brown as the coach here. Good enough to be good but not great just isn't going to cut it. Let's either be really nice to the bums (please no) or really REALLY friggin mean (YES!) If we're not going to do it right then why do it at all?

The way I look at bums is like this: they are like the Giant Chinese Pandas in the San Diego Zoo. For the most part they are interesting to look at but if you walked up and tried to pet them they would use their razor sharp claws and big nasty teeth to rend you quite badly. Now I'm not saying that bums are cute or cuddly like Giant Chinese Pandas, I'm just saying they appear innocuous but then when you get close they will friggin kill you if given the chance. I'm also not saying Giant Chinese Pandas are all smacked out and boozed up panhandlers. The Giant Chinese Pandas were also probably captured or born by mothers with names like Ding Dong or Ming Ming and bums have the choice to be productive members of society but would rather have you give them your hard earned money.

We need to either start kicking some bums' assess or something. 10th place sucks. There's really no way this is accurate. I'm going to blame the BCS...maybe it's strength of schedule or some other minute detail but I'm calling shenanigans. Crap we might not ever beat Oklahoma in football but if we can't beat out goddamn Little Rock in being mean to bums then something is really wrong.

The Grinch Bitch

2004-08-12T08:07:00.000-07:00

First off I don't know if there have been a lot of UFO abductions or somebody's passing out some free smack with tryptophan/arsenic and the bums are shooting up and racking out like post turkey couch-time for Thanksgiving or they are going out John Bonham style from the rat poison or something. But ANYWAY, so there really hasn't been a very good showing from the bum population around here lately. I've only seen Bike Bum and Angry Yeller once each since starting the blog.

So the day before yesterday I'm heading to lunch and I notice that there was a bum trinity at Braker and 183. The first guy I saw looked like he might be some sort of crazed out Navy Seal sniper recon delta dude. It was obvious that he wasn't a Navy Seal sniper recon delta dude, but he had that "I will kill you. I will physically kill you" crazy eyes thing going on. He looked like he just got out of Nam...but of course he was like 40 or something and skin and bones. But he did have a buzz cut...maybe some camo cut offs. The other bum was pretty regular. He did nothing to stand out.

Then I saw the crown jewel of the Braker Bum Trinity...the Grinch Bitch. (btw this is much cooler if you imagine Dave Chapelle saying it like 'Gre-yotch Be-yotch.' Ok, maybe not but I'm going to roll with that anyway.

Speaking of rolling with it, last night in our softball game Drew hit a single on Errors but due to an extremely poor throw and fumble by the first baseman the ball was overthrown. Since I was coaching first I thought it would be funny to send him to second which I did. Drew's giving it all he can and I see it's going to be pretty close so I yell for him to slide. What happened next was more than just a slide...it was a work of art. Maybe Dadaism or Art Deco perhaps, but a work of art nevertheless. But instead of just a regular slide Drew opted for something more along the lines of:

a) The Nestea Plunge
b) Stop, Drop, and Roll yet still ending up with 2nd degree burns
c) Being attacked by an extremely LARGE swarm of killer bees
d) a reverse full axle, triple lindy, body slam, suplex manuver
e) steam roller! steam roller!
f) an escapee from a mental institution in a straight jacket with Parkinson's having an epilectic fit

He was called safe because the 2nd baseman was so amazed/shocked/appalled/dumbfounded that he droped the ball. I'm about 25% sure that I peed myself laughing at that point. But he was safe so that's all that matters.

But anyway, so there was this chick bum by chick-fil-a and we could only see her from behind. At first we were wondering if it was the BILF our friend Ritter said was around lately. But when we saw her we knew, in fact, that this was no BILF. Seriously, I want you to try to picture this: She looked like a cross between the Grinch (but not green) and that murderer bitch that Charlize Theron played on that movie Monster (but not played by Charlize.) Also it looked like Hacksaw Jim Duggan might have smashed her face in a few times with a 2x4. I think it might have been concave. I'm not sure but it looked like a saucer. I wanted to put a tea cup on it.

We had to drive back by to verify but yes, it was female and yes it could have been the most unattractive thing I have ever seen in all my days. It took me 2 days before I could gather the courage to even write about it. I had to dull the memory of what she looked like in order to put it into words. Oh yeah, and her legs (thanks for wearing shorts) looked like toothpicks so I'm pretty sure she was all smacked out.

Hopefully there will be some more bums at lunch. I can't wait!

That lazy fat bitch at the Exxon

2004-08-03T12:36:00.000-07:00

I said that it was on its way. As a matter of fact I said this: "...like that lazy fat bitch at the Exxon, but I'll get to (that) some other time." Well now is that "some other time." I know you've been checking back each and every hour waiting to find out more about this alleged lazy fat bitch, who from here forth will be known as the Fat Lazy Ass Bitch or FLAB.

Let me go on record here: I don't have a problem with Fatness, Laziness, Assiness or Bitchiness but for some reason when they are combined together like some sort of stupid anime cartoon where a bunch of cars or planes join together and make a big ass plane or car which saves Japan from Smog Monster or something like that, I hate them.

So anyway, I don't like this FLAB combo. FURTHERMORE she's the worst employee in any job ever. She's a sloth. She's a lollygagger. And like Skip said on Bull Durham "You guys. You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you Larry?" Larry queries"Lollygaggers?" Skip replies, "Lollygaggers." Well, lets put it this way. I hate a Lollygagger every bit as much as Skip and Skip hates a Lollygagger. And this FLAB is, in fact, 100% a Lollygagger.

FLAB Lollygags to the change drawer. She Lollygags to refill the soda machine. She actually Lollygags on her way to Lollygagging and she Lollygags before and after her Lollygagging as well. She's a horrible depressing shell of a woman and I despise her with every ounce of my despisity. But other than that, why do I feel the need to mention her in the Bum Blog. Well, it's because she is a bum. She might be employed but she's worthless. Seriously, if you bumsnatched 100 bums at total random from off the street, regardless of how smacked up, lackadaisical or crippled they are, I guarantee you that they would do a better job at Exxoning than this bitch. I hate her with a passion. I bet she's a slow crap ass driver as well. She's used. Wasted. Inept. I would yell at her if I thought she cared enough. She must have tenure because I truly don't see how such a waste of space (and a lot of space she wastes) can keep a job. Maybe she's like one of the Greeters at Wal-Mart and this is something like that. I can only guess at this point. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do.

If Fat Lazy Ass Bitch from Exxon were an actual bum, and she should be, she would never walk too far from the intersection. She would sit there Jabba-esque and wait for people to drop stuff on the Bum Altar. She would suck so much at being a bum she would lose so much weight she would just become Lazy Ass Bitch or LAB. But she's not LAB, she's FLAB. I bet if she sat there for a couple days some of the other bums might mistake her for a domicile and try to break in. Seriously, if you get a hopped up smacked out bum hungry enough they'll go right through a wall to get some moldy food. They'll rifle through all the drawers and check the couches for change. Just think what they might do to a FLAB they mistake for a house. Yikes.

Dear lawyers for the fine outstanding company that is Exxon. The above comments are in no way intended to disparage the afformentioned fine outstanding company that is Exxon. If you are reading this then I beg, I plead with you...please fire the Fat Lazy Ass Bitch. She is costing the fine outstanding company that is Exxon revenue and net gains.

Dear readers for the fine outstanding blog that is The Bum Blog. Please do not take the above comments as a slight against the fine outstanding company that is Exxon. Exxon is truly one of the finest and outstandingnest companies in the petroleum/snacks market. However, do take this as a slight against a certain Fat Lazy Ass Bitch. I truly hate her.

Stevie Ray Bum

2004-08-02T15:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if this is going to be the name I stick with for this guy because he was just at the Steck corner when I got back from my lunch hour at 2:15 this afternoon. Anyway he had a classical guitar and looked pretty run down. At first I thought it was Willie Nelson but when I saw that there wasn't a rotted out chunk on the front of the guitar that this guy wasn't playing trigger. And since he was alone and not accompanied by no talent ass clowns like: Toby Keith, Pat Green, Sheryl Crow or Kid Rock that it was in fact NOT Willie. Which was good because I probably would have stopped to hear him play the Whiskey River jam intro thing for 40 minutes and I was already late to get back to work. BTW Willie didn't even write Whiskey River, but then Kenny didn't write the Gambler either so I won't gripe too much.

So this guy had a guitar in his hand and was looking rough. I couldn't tell if he was really playing or just moving his fingers around because I had the A/C blowing full blast because it was hot out. And I was listening to a new cd. And I forgot to see what brand it was. I really wanted to bust him for having a nice guitar but being a bum...but then I noticed a magazine sitting on the edge of the bum altar. The 'bum altar' is the railing area where I've noticed that people have taken to putting up tribute to these bums. It's more like a lazy ass Goodwill place.

Too lazy to drop your crap off at Goodwill? Try the bum altar!

The other day I noticed a bunch of Jolly Rancher's out there. But that was during the bum drought last week. Seriously the only bum I saw there last week was Bike Bum and that was only for lunch.

Anyway as I was saying I noticed that on the bum altar there was a magazine. Now I can't be positive but I'm pretty sure that it was a fantasy football magazine. What in the hell would a bum need with a FF mag? I would kick a bum's ass in fantasy football. First off, bum's don't have TVs. So when Marshall Faulk sprains a hip (or whatever, you know it's gonna happen,) I could grab his backup before the bum would even know. And with luck the bum would start Faulk again the next few weeks before finding a sports page under the onramp. Hell, they'd probably take Ricky Williams.

I am fairly confident that if I provided some cheap ass wine I could dominate the draft and win the bum league hand's down. I'm sure of this.

If this guy shows back up I'll find some more info on him and pass it along.

The Lion

2004-07-23T07:34:00.001-07:00

This guy is a consummate professional. He doesn't hang out on the Steck corner very often and most times is at the northbound exit of Parmer and Mopac across from the Chick-fil-a. I call him The Lion because he has this big ass mane of hair. I think he runs a tandem operation sometimes with a girlbum and maybe another bum but I can't confirm this at this time. What I find amazing is his dedication to being undedicated. He's there pretty much every day any time I drive by. I don't know when he finds time to space out on roofies or eat his magic mushrooms. And I do think he's more of the LSD taking bum. He might ride the white horse as well, maybe a little chasing the dragon. But I don't know. I think he would listen to Phish or be a Widespread Panic fan or something if he wasn't a bum and could afford a cd player and cds, or tapes. Or if he had high speed internet service where he could pirate sweet ass tunes online. But he can't because he's a bum. I think I could last as a bum if I had a 40GB MP3 player.

Other than that I don't know much about The Lion. He kinda creeps me out with all that hair. I saw The Ghost and the Darkness and after that I just tend to stay away from lions. It helps that I don't visit zoos or Africa much. I really try to stay away from any animal with teeth bigger than mine and claws. Claws are a subtle reminder that nature doesn't like you. And I'm just not a cat person.

Bike Bum

2004-07-22T14:13:00.000-07:00

This guy has flair. AND he has a powder blue bike with girlie handlebars. You know the ones with the handles that curve underneath like a pair of umbrella hook looking things. Yes, it's a sweet ass bike. You'd really dig it if you were a 14 year old girl with pigtails and those little pom pom dangly things hanging off the ends. You'd be the coolest girl in the neighborhood. He on the other hand would be a broke ass dude with a gay looking bike.

You know, now that I think about it, it's not really powder blue. It's more of that pastel blue that surfaces for some reason around Easter.

And what the hell is up with that? Why pastels? Isn't it a depressing enough time of year already without a bunch of stupid toned down colors all over the place? Seriously, you're just recovered from that 2-3 month stretch of having to listen to all those insipid Christmas songs about snow and venison and crap like that. You're just getting over it and then WHAM! Pastels enter your life again. Man I hate pastels. Something fierce.

Sorry I got off topic a bit there. So he has this blue pastel candy coated M&M looking bike. And this huge ass rucksack full of all sorts of crap. No telling really. I think it's a bunch of different random signs.

You can see that he has 2-3 signs laying out back by the street nexus. He switches them around pretty fast like he might have once been a stage magician before he got really lazy or hooked on the crack. And he'll just pop a new one for his next round of cars. He also has other slogans written on the back of the signs. So each round he can have a fresh slogan.

Ok I have a few basic problems with Bike Bum.

Problem #1: How dumb is this guy? He seems likeable enough for a bum. He puts little flowers in the corrugated holes on top of the cardboard. Of course they are Texas wildflowers and it's probably illegal to pick them, but nonetheless it's a nice subtle gesture that almost makes you want to give him some money. And when I say almost I don't really mean almost. I mean that if you took all the people in the world and made a line of people who make the most amount of money in a job to the last employed person who makes the least amount of money, probably Drew, then went to unemployed and looking and then started a line of bums and said put them in bumalogical order of most likely to get money from me. He'd be the first bum in line. But I would still give my dollar to any of the other billions of employed or seeking employment people first. Damn I'm a hardass.

But he must be the stupidist bum ever. Why on Earth would you feel the need to change signs each time? Doesn't he realize that the next group of people are different than the ones who just read that sign? It doesn't matter if he changes the sign. We don't know it's different. Now I see him doing this and I think he's up to something. I'm suspicious. I have my eye on this guy. Seriously though, does he think he's fishing and he's trying different baits or something?

Problem B: If this guy is a bum, an honest to goodness, true, real-life bum with no money, asking the populace to dole out sundries, snacks and currencies then why the hell doesn't he sell the damn bike to get some food. Now I know I am being insensitive and this might be his sole remaining vestige of his life as a real person before he became a bum. But I don't think so. I think he uses it to speedily transport him from one bum hotspot (more on these later) to the next before other bums can make the distance on foot.

3rd Problem: How smart is this guy? This guy might be all smacked out and look like the guy on the World Series of Poker (on ESPN, ESPN2, Discovery Channel, The Ocho, Bravo, and 15 other stations as you read this) who throws the cards about 80MPH and cuts carrots and pickles and stuff in half, but he obviously isn't stupid. He's calculated and manipulative. He knows how to play the bum game. He watches. He bides his time. He switches these signs around to suit the upcoming cars maybe. It's what I would do anyway. Anytime I saw a minivan coming, I'd grab my 'Good Luck To Your Son On His Soccer Game' sign. I would score big time. Any time I saw an old rusty truck it would be out with the 'Shit Yeah, I Reckon I Need A Beer' or maybe 'Throw Your Empty Beer Cans Here.' I'd be rich in no time. Hell I might quit this job and start that up tomorrow.

Bike Bum. Keep an eye open for this guy though. My personal thought is that he's the Gordon Gecko of bums. It's the the numerous signs and the pitiful transport that give him away.

The art of the sign

2004-07-22T14:10:00.000-07:00

Spotted yesterday at Research and Capitol of Texas:

I used to have a handle
on Life...But it broke
Thank You... God Bless

The bum in question bore a weathered, dirty resemblance to Russell Hammond (Billy Crudup) from Almost Famous. Imagine if Stillwater broke up in the late-70's, and Hammond was never able to find a new band. Then his life went down the toilet and he relocated to Austin, because he heard some BS about this being the "Live Music Capital of the World." Unable to find a new band or a gig, because Vallejo, Soul Hat and Bob Schneider were always hogging the venues every night, he soon found himself on the street, making goofy signs to try and panhandle enough money to record that killer demo.

What am I saying? That bum probably makes more money than I do.

The Angry Yeller

2004-07-22T12:08:00.000-07:00

Ok so there's this one bum around here that has some staying power. He's been one of my favorite bums for at least 3 years now. Easy. Hands down. He has his own style that is so truly unique it defies any attempt to understand it.

First off this guy weighs in at about 250LBs. Now while not a Hippo-sized man, he's a bum. How in the HELL does a bum get fat? I mean, these guys are supposed to be broke and on smack right? Doesn't smack make you all skinny? Doesn't it make your lips blue like Chris Rock on New Jack City jumping around asking for a turkey? I don't know I don't do smack. But I do know that if you are broke you shouldn't be eating. You shouldn't me making enough money to make you a lardass. Am I right?

The Angry Yeller is in his mid 20s. Shaggy/poofy hair. Not too long but not short. Brownish, could just be dirt. He has a full beard. He kind of looks like the old Hungry Man Dinner guy or some Northwesterner with an affinity for logging and ufo sightings and maybe farm animals in that special way. He has a red-faced, ruddy look to him, but with a serious contemplative side. Ok not really that last part. He has more of a daze about him.

It's also fairly obvious after a few viewings that Angry Yeller is crazier than shit. He's off his rocker. He probably pees and drinks it and rubs himself against trees. Seriously, dude's a fruitcake. He's a barnstormer...I'm not sure what that means in this context but I'm sure it's 100% dead on accurate. We're talking Corey Feldman's dad on Stand By Me loony...or hell, just Corey Felman in real life loony.

One of the true joys of my workday is sitting at the red light on Steck in traffic every morning. Ah yes, nothing like some traffic on the way to the crap job to start the day out right. But then out of the mist of the chaos and exhaust and horns and assholes who can't properly merge you see this fatass hairy bastard hobbling down the side of the street. You can tell from afar that there is something special about him but you can't put a finger on it. Oh yeah, he hobbles. It's not a serious limp. I'm not thinking he has a nub covered by pantleg or anything, maybe just a hemmoroid or some sort of gall bladder inflammation or something. Maybe a knee goiter. So you see this guy hobbling along in that worn out strip of dirt flanked by grass and trash on one side and the aluminum railing on the other. He looks like a hobo Moses walking along through there with a sign maybe saying 'Everyone Needs a Little Help Sometimes' like it was the 10 Commandments or something.

And so this one time I'm sitting there at the red light for a couple turns and then I get into The Zone. The Zone is the area from the junction of the 2 streets along the worn out path of dirt along the road up until that particular bum gets tired or lazy and decides to turn back, remarkably usually perfectly timed with the light turning green like they have some sort of human genome timeclock in their dna that tells them when to turn around. It truly is amazing and when mastered is none other than a work of art.

So I'm pretty far from the junction but a ways into the zone. I wait. Limp. Limp. Limp. Damn he's slow today. He looks extra aggitated. He seems shunned by the employed commuters lined up in their cars. It's an off day. You can tell. Then the light turns green and about 10 cars get through that friggin light before it turns orange and the asshole in front of me slams on his brakes after taking half of the green light on his late, lazy ass lame lane merge. (Alliteration!) So now I have to wait here at the light for another 3 minutes and 27 seconds. I've timed it (no, not really. That's a lie...but it sounds authentic enough, right?)

Next thing you know the lardass limper comes wibble wobbling back along to the junction of the 2 streets. And then out of nowhere he just completely loses his shit. He throws his sign down and kicks a few times into thin air like he is a retarded Chuck Norris with some sort of palsy and Parkinson's. Some dust flies up from the dirt from his kick-like motion. The sign, like a slo-mo leaf does that back and forth fall looking thing into the dirt. It all happens so fast, but yet so slow, like Neo doing some Bullet Time rollovers or something of the sort. Then he reaches down and picks up the sign, he sticks out his lower lip and furrows his brow. And starts marching with his swagger-stagger back down the little trail again. We all sat there with that 'What the hell just happened feeling?'

Seriously though, who's going to give him any money with that attitude?

What the Hell?

2004-07-22T09:01:00.000-07:00

Every day I drive to work (usually about 10-20 minutes late) and right before I get to the office (and I mean about 1 block away) I'm confronted by a panhandler. Now keep in mind I am going to work. The last thing I want to be reminded about, even when on my way to work, is work. I don't even like thinking about work while I am at work much less during the rest of my day, during my free time. Usually I can just pretend I'm on a leisurely drive or something...but then these bums appear and BANG I come crashing back to the reality that I am on my way to work. And they want me to give them money. I am on my way to earn this money in a place that I don't want to be earning it. And they want to lounge around all day in the shade and then have me distribute my money amongst them because 'Every Little Bit Helps.' NO. No friggin way. F that!!! I want a bum to have a sign that says 'Please Give Me Your Hard-Earned Money.' I wouldn't give them money anyway but at least it would be honest. Then when I get back from my Lunch Hour(s) there's usually another bum in the same place. Sometimes it's the same bum...sometimes that initial bum got enough money for a taco or Slurpee or some crack rock and a different bum is there. Personally, I think they "work" in shifts like that lazy fat bitch at the Exxon, but I'll get to those points some other time. I see bums in other places around town, especially on the way to softball down in SE Austin. Yesterday there was a bum congregation down there...a Bumapalooza, if you will. Most of them were just lazing around like they had nothing better to do (which they most likely don't...especially if they haven't made enough money to shoot some heroin between their toes or score some ludes or PCP or something.)

But anyway I digress. So I've been working in the same place (a true joy) for the last 4 long miserable years of my life and I notice the same bums in the same places. And for some reason I've developed some sort of bond or kindredity with these vagabonds. (I like making up words like kindredity so you'll have to roll with me sometimes.) So these bums stay in the same place most of the time and since I'm not giving them any of my money that I work for, I have nothing better to do than observe them in an objective manner. And when I say objective I really mean subjective, because I can.

I like tangents. Thanks.

So you're asking yourself 'So what the hell is this blog really about?' Why in the hell do I want to spend my free time at work...I mean at home, free time at HOME, reading this swill? I have no idea. Probably no one will read this.

I name them. I name the bums. Sometimes they get names because of their look. Sometimes because of demeanor. Sometimes because of their accessories. Sometimes because I just feel like it. I like to see what their signs say. How often do they switch them up? Can they spell? Do they work in groups like those Lost World dinosaurs with the face flaps that ate the fat guy at the beginning of the movie? Are they crazy? Do they have some sort of special bummy flair that differentiates them from the rest of the bum Pantheon?

After a while you'll start to truly understand and see the Person behind the Bum. Of course this will be through my eyes and through my twisted view of these panhandling vagrants. Basically this blog is about you...and me...but more likely it's about bums. Truly I don't know what this will be about because I like tangents. And I like to roll with the punches. And I like to go out on a limb. And I like to venture forth, to stray. And I like redundancy.

I'll also look to enlist some of my friends and coworkers and whomever to post their accounts of bums or whatever as well. So next time you see a bum, don't look away and don't reach down into your ashtray to pull out some ashy coinage. Watch. Observe. Report. Give them names. Figure out what they might do if they weren't bums. Make funny faces at them. But be careful, they could be dangerous and have rabies or Rabbit Pox or worst of all SARS or the Bird Flu. So keep your eyes open and your wallet closed.