The Bum Blog
Friday, February 25, 2005
Homeless Hoops / Supermodel
Ok, Angry Yeller STILL had that basketball out there. For some reason this really truly bothers me. Like a small cactus needle under my skin it's bothering the holy hell out of me. He obviously stole that thing. Bums use their money...the money you people give him, not me, no way...on crack and smack and reefer and booze. No way does he save up 3 smacks worth of money for a Nike Basketball (I don't really know the current market value of low-grade street smack or really how much a Nike Basketball costs but I'm estimating here, so cut me some slack and let's call it poetic license.) That's NOT happening. I refuse to believe it. So he's a thief and a bastard. He probably makes enough money for smack in the morning then walks, nay, limps over to the school a few blocks away to get some shots in before the lunch rush when he'll sashay back to the corner for some more good ol panhandling. This jackass has been there for at LEAST 4 years now. Don't people realize that he's not looking for a job. I'm sorry but you're not going to find employment lolling around a street corner all day. Maybe he's actually a basketball shark and the limp is like Verbal Kent and when he gets on the court after a small pittance has been bet he busts out the Kaiser Soze on their ass and whips em good. Might be like a second job for him. If so then you really have to admire his dedication to really amounting to nothing and being a failure.
As an aside, I've been noticing a lot of bums lately but also a lot of cops as well. I guess going where all the actual crime is being committed isn't really as lucrative as busting speeders up north where people have jobs. Cops and bums have the same MO in that sense. Strange really. They are like those little sucky fishes that hang out on the underside of sharks or other larger, more productive fishes. No, actually that's not true. Those little fishies are not parasites. They actually eat algae and help out a bit. Bums? Nope, parasites, ever' one. The cops need to go bust gun toting crackhead robbers and stuff. Seriously, drive up in north Austin and count up the number of cops you see. Five-O, Ten-O, 15-O and so on and you will be amazed. Then drive over to seedier parts of town. You'd be lucky to see a single cop even if you had a giant spotlight and were firing cannons down Cesar Chavez or Pleasant Valley. Why is that? Because people up here have jobs and can afford to pay the fines instead of just overpopulating the jails. Of course this is a horrible generalization but hey, that's what I do here. So we get hit on and harrassed by ALL the cops and ALL the bums. It's like we get all the attention. I've never felt so much like a hot Swedish supermodel in my life.
Damn bums. Damn coppers. Damn hot Swedish supermodels.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Angry Yeller is a Preppie
Angry Yeller is a preppie. Ok not really, he is still a stinky dirty bum but he did shave his beard. And now today he cut his hippie mop and looks like a dorky short hair stinking dirty bum. His sign purports that he's "trying to find a job." I don't think so. I think he figured and this is making the basic assumption that he hasn't completely fried his brains on crystal meth and speedballs, so I might be WAY over the line here, but I think this dumbass cut all his hair b/c he thought it was starting to get hot for the summer and he was in the free and clear. Well, HA HA HA you dirty bastard!!! It rained last night and it's in the 40's.
Here's another bum haiku for you Yeller:
You cut off your hair
thinking it would get warmer
HA! It's 40, dick.
If I were a bum my sign would read: Need money for resume paper and printer toner. Bums lack plans of action. "Trying to find a job" is just too unspecific and blase. I guess that's my message to all the homeless out there, be specifi... Ok that's not really my message to the homeless nor do I really have a message for the homeless other than bathe and go away.
Yesterday I saw I guy with a sign that said: "Help" Wife needs meds for heart and cancer. Well holy crap, thanks bum. I'm going to lunch and now I'm bummed out. Aside: I wonder if that's where the term bummed out came from? Anyway, so I'm jovial right? I'm going to lunch. And now, BAM, there's a bum with a depressing ass sign. Of course he's a bum so I know he's a liar and he's probably a drunken needle between the toes douchebag so no woman in her right mind would sleep with him (except for crack) but especially no one would marry this guy. Who's he fooling with this sign?
Now I don't want to seem like a heartless bastard here (Ok, I am one, but I don't want to seem like one to all you nice people) so I would like to wish the bum and his wife a speedy recovery and I hope he funds her meds and she pulls through ok. I hope Angry Yeller gets on his feet and gets that job he's OH, so trying to find.
Oh wait, I forgot to mention: Angry Yeller had a basketball by his plastic bags of crap and filth today. Here are my problems with that. First off, if he just got this today...I mean if someone drove by and said to themselves "Hey, look, it's a bum. Man, I wish I had some money or some food to give. Nope. All out. But I do have this old Nike Basketball. I'll just give him that," then they are just plain out stupid. Plain out STUPID. Have you no eyes?? Haven't you noticed this bastard's limp?? He hobbles back and forth like the goddang mummy. There's no way that this freakshow could play basketball. He would dribble, step, dribble, minesweeper, dribble, step, dribble, minesweeper. That's how it would work with him swinging his leg out all funny looking. Great now I'm poking fun at cripples too. I am so going to Hades.
Ok, now if he already had the ball, what the sam hell is he doing with it? That's just bad marketing you moron. If you have a sign purporting you are LOOKING for a damn job then what in the HELL are you doing playing basketball??? Please someone, anyone, find logic in this for me. I'm at a loss for words here.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
More Bum Poetry
I saw the same sign. It looked like Angry Yeller had a blue ball point pen, maybe one of them crappy one piece bics. I can only assume he was writing "poems" on scraps of cardboard. And to go off on a tangent but I HATE blue pens. I hate them with a passion. I refuse to sign anything with a blue pen. I don't know why I hate them like I do but I do. And I love the color blue. So strange. Anyway so this dirty bastard did have a sign that only said Homeless Poetry. And since I only stare at him when I know he's not looking at me...he has creepy eyes...I couldn't really get a good look at what he was doing.
I too would like to post some poems that I think he would write. Feel free to comment with poems of your own.
Angry Yeller's Haikus:
Crazier than shit
eat cardboard and poop myself
and I can't count to five or seven
I had a beard beard
I shaved that mother off off
head echoes empty
dropped as a child, I
can't spell good on cardboard signs
grammar sucks bad too
There once was a bum with a beard
He shaved it now he looks queer
he's down on his luck
but if you give him a buck
he'll blow it on crack rocks and beer.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
I thought I might make a rare appearence here today on the Bum Blog.
This morning the (newly shaven) Angry Yeller had a new sign: "Homeless Poetry." I think that if you gave him money he'd write you a poem or something, but I generally ignore the filthy bum, so I wasn't going to find out the specifics.
ANyway, I was thinking of some good poems about him.
The Valentine's Day Poem:
Roses are Red,
Angry Yeller's hair is shaggy
He'd probably suck your dong,
for some weed in a baggy
There once was a bum out on Steck
Who was really a disheveled wreck
He had no real job
ANd he lives like a slob
But panhandling's a pretty good paycheck.
Dirty, smelly bum
Stands on corners; begs for change
He'd rather have beer
I'd do the Sonnet or an Ode, but that's a lot of work, especially for someone I pretend to ignore each morning on the way to work.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
Shorn? + New Bum
Ok, there have been rumors of Angry Yeller having shaved off his big ass grizzly beard. Seriously, he reads this blog and is pissed off that I said it makes him look like a gay lumberjack. This guy is crazy and may try to attack me. If he didn't have that limp and if he weren't really fat and slow looking and if he weren't a bum and probably all smacked out, I might be worried. But I'm not. Anyway, if this guy that looks like Angry Yeller without a beard is in fact Angry Yeller then I might go with a new name for him until he grows his beard back. Maybe Angry Fat Face would be a good name in the interim. Maybe WiFi Bastard. I don't know. I might go drink some Boone's and Steel Reserve to see what sounds good when I'm good and bum drunk.
There was also another bum in his 20s over there the other day. This guy kind of looked like Angry Fat Face but he had this crazy ass looking Cheshire grin. I'm not going to name him yet until he proves himself on the streets. One thing you really want to avoid doing as a bum blogger is to prematurely name bums. First off you don't want to name someone something that isn't fitting. That wouldn't be professional. And you don't know what's fitting right off. You see we build to that. Bum bloggers have high standards to uphold...it's true. Next, you don't want to waste a good name on someone that may never come back. Though naming any bum is a gamble, kind of like naming hamsters (like Natalie Portman's hamsters on Garden State, bums live dangerous lives and aren't properly cared for.) They could die and go to the big dumpster in the sky or get adopted by a group of migrant workers plowing fields in Kansas. You never know. They could smack out and drown in a toilet for all I know. Point is to not waste good names on unproven bums.
That said, I think this guy might have staying power. He's young and if he's a buddy with the Bum Formerly Known As Angry Yeller then you know he's a winner. And when I say winner, I don't really mean winner, I mean more like a winner bum, which is still a real loser. But I'll keep a look out for this guy.
Thursday, January 20, 2005
The Problem with Bums
The problem with doing this bum blog is this; Bums are lazy. Most of the time they get a few Benjamins and then smack out for a few days under some bridge or overpass and then I have nothing to write about unless I go out scouting for bums. And I guess I too am lazy and I don't want to go on bum missions to find bums. Though that would make a great mission on the next Grand Theft Auto, where you go out and eliminate bums. The more bums you snipe the more points you get. No one wants to do those stupid driving around on a racetrack challenges. Seriously, someone read this stuff and hire me. I have to be a genius or something. I'll work for cheap.
Anyway, so these bums aren't always around and so I have nothing really to post about. So I'm going to wing it today and see what sticks. I swear Angry Yeller has high speed net access though b/c every time I post about him he disappears for a while and that's how he knew about the UT win the other night. Damn I hate that bastard. I bet he has it all hooked up with WiFi too.
Since Angry Yeller has been out of the office I've noticed that the city decided to come in and mow. It really is amazing how much litter a bum corner can accumulate. Seriously there are PILES of filth and refuse strewn about like my old roommates bedroom. It's ridiculous really. And people just keep giving this guy food and stuff to throw away.
One of my friends is getting married in a few months so they made a list of nice items for gifts. I thought it would be a good idea to make a list like this but for bums. So here is the list of things that are appropriate and not appropriate to give the bums in your life:
Ziplock bags (Great for storing any excess crack or smack or reefer)
Food (Nothing that would be a choking hazard. Treat your bum like any 1 year old. Most of the time they are smacked out though so anything you can eat with a spoon.)
Spoons (Knifes and Forks are too sharp and when they are done they have something to fix their smack in. Truly the best gift due to its multilateral utility.)
Funny looking shirts (Seeing Angry Yeller in a pink Barbie babydoll shirt would kill! )
Dental Products (Though toofless bums are good for a laugh bums don't go to the dentist and need all the help they can get. We don't want Yuckmouth on the corner.)
Cardboard (8.5x11 and larger squares only)
Markers (Colors please. Bring some sunshine into a bum's life today!)
NON APPROPRIATE ITEMS
Pointy Things (Knives or anything they could use to stab or poke people)
Plasma TVs (Actually no TVs at all but especially nothing better than my TV)
Paper (Paper = Trash, it's that simple.)
Ropes (Bums get sad. They hang out under trees and bridges. You do the math.)
Paper Bags (Paper bags = paper = trash. Also not good for keeping crack dry.)
These are just a few of the many things you can give bums. Of course this isn't a finite list. I'm sure you have a good number of suggestions as well. See the comment section below? Well, what are you waiting for?
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Angry Yeller Strikes Back
Angry Yeller has been back for a while. He's looking pretty dirty and mangy. But then again he's always looked dirty and mangy. Well that's not really true, when he first started coming to Steck and Mopac I think he was just crazy but not dirty so much. Now his hair, which is some sort of brownish red hue, bred if you will, is spikey and big. It's not spikey like it's been moussed or anything but more like he hasn't washed it in about a month, which is most likely true. And he has this beard thing that makes him look like a gay lumberjack. And he's fat. But not fat like Michael Moore fat but he's shaped like a bowling pin, kinda. I think if you pushed him over he'd pop back up like one of those blow-up punchy toys you got when you were a kid. Anyway so he's been back for a while.
So the reason I brought it up was this:
I'm sitting at the light this morning, about to turn onto Steck, when I see Angry Yeller from afar. He has one arm in the air, way above his head. I immediately perk up a bit because I'm thinking he's about to do something all cracked out and he'll flip out like a ninja or something. Unfortunately he didn't flip out like a ninja and by the time I got up there his arm was down. It was sad. In hindsight I think he was doing the heavy metal/hook 'em Horns thing. But he could have been trying to touch the clouds or trying to pet his imaginary pet wooly mammoth for all I know.
Anyway, UT played OU last night in basketball and had nice upset victory. Apparently Angry Yeller either has season tickets to the games or watched it on his 60" plasma monitor. I say this because on the way to work the bastard was out there with a sign that read thusly:
How in the name of all that is holy does this cracked out bum know that UT won? Seriously, anyone? I didn't even know and I have high speed internet access at home and cable. Of course I didn't really look but still. I know they put orange lights on the tower but I honestly don't think that seeing orange lights in the sky is out of ordinary for this guy. Or any color lights for that matter. I want answers.
Anyway I decided that I want to go into a lucrative business venture with bums. I think I will look up sports scores and other news items and then relay this info to bums in the mornings via walkie talkie. Then they will write this info on signs like a public service message. Then people will tip them money and I will get a cut and just give the bums enough for some smack and hashish. This is kind of like the guys in Houston selling newspapers but the info would be much more up to date. I think I'm onto something here. Really, I do.